Written by Dr. Neil, a clinical psychologist with 35 years of counselling experience and also the founder of America's largest dating web eHarmoney.
<Group 1> The Screening Dimensions
These are to help you avoid marrying a problematic person. If you find a partner with following issues, run for your life.
(1)Good characters: Good characters here means integrity, honesty, and moral uprightness. Watch out for constantly telling "convenient truth", feeling they are "above the law", taker rather than giver, good actor and talker, signs of rudeness and inconsideration. Do not move into marriage before the problem is fully addressed, because it can only get worse after marriage. Unfortunately character disorder can only be improved through prison/military/spiritual.
(2)The quality of your self-conception: Important to get yourself emotionally healthy before getting married. A good emotional health builds on a good self-concept. Usually a healthy person can communicate without defensive or offensive attitude and able to solve daily problems on their own. The relationship can be no healthier than the emotional health of the least healthy person.
3 signs of emotional healthy: 1. having intrinsic self value that is not influenced by external factors. 2. living a life true to yourself. 3. having an attitude of self-giving.
(3)Watch out for red flags: Usually falls into 3 areas: 1. character disorders that is discussed in dismension1. 2. neurotic when a person suffers from excessive anxiety that makes him dysfunction in daily life. 3. addition is unable to stop from engaging in behaviors that has negative effects to your life.
(4)Anger management: 4 ways when anger is mishandled: 1. exploders express anger by verbal and physical violence. 2. somatizers hold anger inside and fester into bitterness and resentment. This usually causes negative effects on their body health. 3. self-punishers deliver anger on themselves. This type of people always sees the negative side of the story and overwhelmed by sense of inadequacy and helplessness. This usually leading them to psychological problems, like depression and suicide. 4. underhandlers hide anger with humor or sarcasm. Passive-aggressive behaviour is commonly expressed; they usually quick to withdraw, then express anger by making your day as miserable as theirs.
To correctly manage anger, it is important to know that anger is a normal physiological response when your mistreated. Whereas aggression is a destructive response to anger and it only happens when anger is mishandled. It is important to stay with people who gives you unconditional love, so that you know it is okay to express your anger. "Do not go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." this statement is equally important of never letting your anger build up.
(5)Obstreperousness: There are always people who are harsh, critical, unappreciative, never satisfied and difficult to please. Stay away from them. It will be living hell to live with this kind of people. (VERY TRUE! From my own experience-_-)
(6)Understanding about family: It is important to discuss in detail the idea of having children before getting married. Family-oriented or work-oriented? Wants children with this person? Posses the gentleness necessary with young children? How many children? Educate child with loving discipline or "a disney dad"? Children are there on Monday mornings as well as Saturday nights. It is a break point of life, but it is also advantage: love.
(7)Family background: 1. Study your potential partner's family. You might never be best friends with them, but you might discover some common ground. 2. Always share your feelings (not critical comments) about each other's family. 3. Show both of your family with equal care. Equal treatment is always appreciated.
<Group 2> The Core Personal Dimensions
"Don'y worry, she will change after we are married." Yes, people change, but not much. There are some core characteristics that are difficult to change.
(8)Intellect: Usually score within 10% range with you in IQ test (consider taking Wexler adult intelligence scale) with be a good matched. Partners having a big difference in IQ results in boredom and communication problem.
(9)Energy level: Similar energy level will do good together. Mismatched energy level does not only means you cannot do outdoor activities together, but conflict in sex life and other dimensions.
(10)Spirituality: Partners do better if they marry their general denomination-Catholics with Catholics, Protestants with Protestants. Young people's daily life may not be heavily impacted by religion, but when it comes to family life and educating children, religion differences will show up. It may not even be religion, it is the same way to perceive the world beyond this concrete existence.
(11)Education: For highly educated person, it is important to find someone with a high degree too or at least appreciate the value of education.
(12)Appearance: It is easier to deal with appearance after you gotten to know the inner qualities. It will be dangerous to get hooked on the look first and tempted to overlook the important deficiencies. This is especially common among men.
(13)Sense of humor: This is the ability to tell jokes, but also the ability to laugh at jokes. If you both laugh at similar jokes, that probably says something about your similar interests and intelligence level.
(14)Mood management: This is when your partner responds the same way to a flat tire as he does to a death in the family. They make a big deal out of everything. If mood fluctuation is frequent and extreme, you need to let them know before marriage and be tolerant of it.
(15)Traditional vs. nontraditional personalities: Traditional personality likes life to be predictable and prefers to plan ahead of it. While nontraditional personality likes to just “go with the flow” and doing what comes naturally. Same type will do well together. Unfortunately different types always attract. It usually causes more frustration for the traditional personality, so traditional type need to make sure they can live with that unpredictability before moving into marriage.
(16)Ambition: It does not matter how much ambition you have; the important issue is that you have similar amount of ambition. A "get-up-get-moving" type of person simply would not do so well with someone who only wants to "kick back and enjoy life". By ambition, it does not mean making money only; it just mean you are goal-oriented, like working to improve animal rights.
(17)Sexual passion: Similar level will do well together. Watch out for men who are not "interested" in you at all. It is a physical expression of biological and psychological workup. It is also an important part of marriage. But it could "short-circuiting" the brain, so it might be dangerous to make marriage decisions after a good sex.
(18)Artistic passion: If you are artistic, it is important to find someone with the same artistic passion, or at least appreciate that.
(19)Values: Most people hold their values dear to their hearts. Similar values affects the everyday essentials of living. For example: Are you a spender or a saver? Who has the say on money? Can we trust each other and use money together? Can woman work after marriage? Any of these differences can cause a divorce, if you do not have enough positives in your relationship to overcome it.
(20)Industry: This is different from ambition, because it is not about goals but about interest. This is the attitude and orientation you have towards work. Do you have a lot of interest and passion for what you do? It can easily make a "lazy ass" and a "workaholic" if you do not share the same interest for work.
(21)Curiosity: Some people are naturally curious about why everything is the way it is, others may just find those "juicy details" waste of time. Curious people should stay together.
(22)Vitality vs. security: It is built in our genes for men to look for vitality and women for security. In the modern days, vitality doesn't always mean fertility, it really means healthy and in a good shape physically. And for women, security is both physical protection and also "emotionally naked" type of emotional protection.
(23)Autonomy vs. closeness: Introvert enjoy being alone. Even when it comes to personal relationships, they still need "a lot of space" to be alone or simply enjoy the freedom of not hold accountable to others. While extroverts enjoy been surrounded by people. In a relationship, even after "honey moon" period, they would still like to be accompanied as often as possible. It is important to unify what you want in terms of autonomy or closeness.
<Group 3> Skills That Can Be Developed
These qualities are skills that can be learned or improved, as long as you acknowledge the need for a change.
(24)Communication: This is a problem for many men to have communication difficulties, and it can cause serious problem in marriage. To improve you need to: 1. always sense what is going on in your head and get into habit of putting those feelings into words. It is good to use "I feel" and "I experienced" to express such thoughts and feelings, not facts that men always tend to state. 2. learn how to listen and understand is important part of communication. After hearing "I'm feeling down", try not to find a quick fix or completely ignore it. You need to let the other person express his feeling and find the "gold in the river". 3. You then need to repeat what you think is the key points here to the person. This will make sure that you truly and correctly understood. A deep communication can then carry out.
(25)Conflict Resolution: "Do not run away from conflict. Learn to deal with it." 1. Understand that it is perfectly normal to have conflicts. 2. Give both sides a chance to explain fully why they make such statements. 3. Pinpoint out what exactly are you disagreeing on. 4. Find solution to the issue. 5. Always congratulate each other on successfully solving a conflict.
Tips to solve a conflict: 1. Use "In situation X, you do Y, I feel Z" is a good way for expressing your feeling in a conflict. It is common for people to start personal insult in rage. Try to express your feelings, not question others on what they did "wrong". 2. It is helpful to rate intensity of feeling. It helps the other person to understand how strong you feel about it. 3. Allow each other the freedom to think and feel honestly, we are all different individuals. 4. It is more important to understand than to win. 5. Focus on clarify points of disagreement, and not get sidetracked on personal insults or repeat your own contention. 6. Keep an attitude of give and take.
(26)Sociability: "Smothering love" is when one has a lot going on his side, but still wants exclusive rights to your time. In opposite is when he has too many friends, particularly of the opposite sex, and gives zero attention to you. Neither of those is a healthy relationship. For a satisfying life, it is good to have 3-5 friends of the same sex and 1-2 friends of the opposite. If a person is low on sociability, it can be improved by becoming a part of a small group. However the ratio between social time and alone time should be discussed between the couple.
<Group 4> Qualities That Can Be Developed
These qualities can be learnt if you and your partner take the time and make the effort. These will decide how happy the marriage is.
(27)Adaptability: This is the most crucial element to a good relationship, even more so if you are not well matched in other areas. Over the life of a marriage, change is inevitable. Good adaptability is built on solid self-conception. Someone whose self-esteem is not tied with what he does, who knows his name, or what he has. Instead he believes deep inside that he is a person of value. Whatever how good the relationship is now, obstacles will show up sooner or later; You need to be flexible to change yourself.
(28)Kindness: "Show me someone who is kind, and I will show you a trustworthy person." Watch for someone who is kind to a person in a lower society status, who has no capacity to do anything for/to him. A good marriage is when both partner can express and appreciate kindness.
(29)Dominance vs. submissiveness: Dominant personality is the person who always wants to be the boss. They might not always be the first one to speak, or the one with loudest complaints - they just make the decision. Submissive person does not like to fight - they acquiesce under just the slightest pressure. Dictators do not do well in any marriages, not even with someone who is extremely submissive. When both are highly dominant, they will go on war. When both are highly submissive, they bore each other out. Slightly dominant person will work well with slightly submissive person. In the best marriages, the individuals both have moderate amount of dominance and submissiveness.
Chemistry - the key point
Love-Chemistry=Friendship. Without chemistry, even if you are well matched, you should not get married. But chemistry is only the icing on the cake, chemistry will only last 3-6 months.
Commitment - the glue that keeps it all together
Unconditional type of commitment will allow marriage to truly flourish, and keeps it together through thick and thin. Commitment develops trust and intimacy that make you confident in the relationship, even at bad times. But do check the following 7 points before you make the commitment: 1. Take at least 1-2 years to evaluate your relationship. 2. Marry after 25 years old, when you know yourself, what you want in life, and what kind of partner you need. 3. Beware of over-eagers or becoming a over-eager, who uses marriage as an escape from a bad situation, loneliness or financial difficulties. 4. You should only get married to make yourself happy, not anyone else. 5. Make sure to have a broad experience in different circumstances before getting married. 6. Make sure your expectations are realistic. 7. Address any character issues before getting married.
"Amy, do you take Kent to be your husband, and do you solemnly promise to love, honor, and cherish him, and that forsaking all others for him alone, and you will perform unto him all the duties that a wife owes to her husband until God by death shall separate you?" "I do."
"I do" means the following 6 things: 1. LOVE- I will still regard you as a person of great worth and value, even though we just had a fight and I don't like you very much at the moment - this is unconditional love. 2. HONOR - I will treat you with respect (in my words, in my eye contact, in my attitude, and in my action), even when you are different from me. 3. CHERISH - i will give you tender affection, even under circumstances that are not necessarily easy or pleasant. 4. FORSAKE ALL OTHER - I shall make you the most important person in the world, and have loyalty to you. 5. PERFORM ALL DUTIES - I shall protect you physically and emotionally from anyone's harm. I will nurture for your physical and emotional life. 6. UNDER ALL CIRCUMSTANCES; AS LONG AS WE BOTH SHALL LIVE - in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health.
Three secrets to a great relationship
1. Know yourself. 2. Look for someone a lot like you. 3. Know your must-haves and can't-stands.
