Option B 读书笔记

阅读内容: Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy (B选项:直面逆境,建立抗打击能力,找到快乐)

作者:Sheryl Sandberg & Adam Grant

【1.印象最深刻的部分】内容中你觉得印象最深刻的部分是什么?

Introduction部分一开始,Sheryl Sandberg(脸书Facebook COO以及畅销书Lean in作者)介绍了和她丈夫Dave Goldberg(美国知名网络调查公司 SurveyMonkey 的 CEO)相识相爱相知的经历,然而一场意外却让她永远失去了挚爱的丈夫。她在很长的时间内是完全崩溃的状态:

At night, I called out to him, crying in to the void:" Dave, I miss you. Why did you leave me?Please come back. I love you..." I cried myself to sleep each night.  I woke up each morning and went through the motions of my day, often in disbelief that the world continued to turn without him. How could everyone go on as if nothing was different? Didn't they know?

失去过家人的人应该都有过这样的感受吧。

所以,说是治愈系的内容,却屡屡读到压抑落泪。

然而,What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. 一天,她的兄弟对她说:"Option A is not available. So let's just kick the shit out of Option B."

强人就是强人啊!两年的时间里,在亲朋好友的关心帮助下,Sheryl努力陪着孩子度过难关,并且和好友兼心理治疗师Adam Grant一起写下Option B,她敞开心扉,回顾了自己失去挚爱的伤痛,勇敢展现了自己在失去伴侣后,努力走出沉痛打击的心路历程,书中还加入了很多其他人面对逆境的例子,探讨了人们在遭遇不幸之后,如何走出悲伤、重拾快乐、重新找到生活意义。

虽然这本书的内容有人说其实用一篇文章就可以写出来了,作者却洋洋洒洒写出了一本书。不过正因为书中包含了很多作者身边的人和事,才让这本书更加有血有肉,有灵魂。

【2.与现实的联系】这本书与现实之间有哪些联系?

联系一:当我们遭遇不幸的时候普遍都会经历的三种情绪:Personalization ( 将责任归咎到自己身上,自责不已); Pervasiveness ( 让痛苦弥漫到生活各个方面,认为everything sucks); Permanence ( 认为苦海无边,从此再也无法摆脱痛苦)

联系二:面对还是回避痛苦的话题?“Mum Effect” 理论,即人们总是不愿意谈论不好的事件,担心这样会刺激到身处悲剧中的人,但实际上悲剧就像the elephant in the room,不会因为故意视而不见就能否定它的存在。

联系三:当亲朋好友遭遇不幸,怎么帮助他们?empathy or distress?

联系四:在处于人生低谷时,怎么对待自己?

联系五:创伤后进入怎样的状态?

联系六:不幸后很难再开心起来怎么办?

联系七:如何培养复原力强的孩子?

联系八:救助小组有用么?

联系九:工作也需要恢复力么?

联系十:失去挚爱的人还有资格重新获得爱么?

【3.行动和改变】你可以做出哪些行动来改变你的现实生活?

罗曼罗兰说过:世上只有一种英雄主义,就是在认清生活真相之后依然热爱生活。

作者让人敬佩的地方之一就是能够和亲朋好友一起,接受现实,慢慢治愈,同时也去帮助读者一同面对在生活中遇到的痛苦和不幸。下面是书中给出的solutions:

1. Breathing Again

尽量不要用强化负面情绪的表达,如”I’m sorry”、”I apologize”(signs of personalization)或者“never”、”always”(signs of permanence); 

尝试一种基于认知心理学的行为治疗方法,写下你认为导致的痛苦的信念,然后用事实证明这不是真的。You write down a belief that’s causing you anguish and then follow it with proof that the belief is false.

想象最糟糕的情景,想想这个事情其实还可以更坏---再大的不幸,也可能是不幸中的万幸。It was a good idea to think about how much worse things could be.

2. Kicking the Elephant Out of the Room

不要回避痛苦。回避感受不等于保护自己的感受。Avoiding feelings isn’t the same as protecting feelings. 悲伤的人需要能让你开口的opener,而不是non-question-asking friends.

结识同境遇的人,相互倾述。人们更乐于和遭遇相同打击的人倾述. people who have faced adversity tend to express more compassion toward others who are suffering.

3. The Platinum Rule of Friendship

面对亲友的不幸,首先向他确认,你知道他的不幸,然后提出帮助。 Simply showing up for a friend can make a huge difference.

每个人都是不一样的,按照朋友的意愿去帮助他。交友黄金原则Golden Rule: treat others as you want to be treated. 还有一个更好的铂金原则Platinum Rule: treat others as they want to be treated.

不要泛泛地问“有什么我可以帮助的么”,而是做出具体的行动提供实际的帮助。帮助最好的办法是增加一个选项,提供一种控制感,才能给予亲友真正的信心。Specific acts help because instead of trying to fix the problem, they address the damage caused y the problem.

4. Self-Compassion and Self-Confidence

自我同情(self-compassion)不等于自怨自艾(self-pity)和自我放纵(self-indulgence),自我同情是最好的态度,能够客观中立地看待自己。It allows us to respond to our own errors with concern and understanding rather than criticism and shame. 

自信( self-confidence) 如何重拾?犯了错之后恢复自信的方法,是去做具体的小事,并且想想自己做出了哪些贡献----也就是从这些small wins中找回自信。Counting our blessings doesn’t boost our confidence or our effort, but counting our contributions can.

5. Bouncing Forward

人,是一个会成长的有机体,很多情况下会表现出“反脆弱”---经历一次打击之后,反而会变得更强。发现自己的力量finding personal strength. 请牢记what does not kill me makes me stronger.

知道感激gaining appreciation.

获得更深入的关系forming deeper relationships.

发现生命中的意义discovering more meaning in life.

找到新机会seeing new possibilities.

6. Taking Back Joy

摆脱内疚寻找快乐 It is okay to push through the guilt and seek joy. Having fun is a form of self-compassion. Seeking joy after facing adversity is taking back what was stolen from you.

关注生命中的快乐生活中的点点滴滴并记录下来When we look for joy, we often focus on the big moments. But happiness is the frequency of positive experiences, not the intensity. 比如每天记录三个让你开心的时刻,Write down three moments of joy every day. It’s a habit that brightens the whole day. Just as labeling negative emotions can help us process them, labeling positive emotions works too.

7. Raising Resilient Kids

Resilience is not a fixed personality trait. It’s a lifelong project. 

对于孩子,我们可以从以下四个核心信念(core belief)入手来培养他们的恢复力。

“我可以控制自己。”They have some control over their lives.

“我可以从错误中学习。” They can learn from failure.

“作为一个人,我是有价值的。” They matter as human beings.

“我有力量可以自我依靠和帮助他人的。” they have real strengths to rely on and share.

8. Finding Strength Together

集体性的恢复(collective resilience)会建立人和人之间的深层联结,从而让我们更有力量去对抗不幸。Resilience is not just built in individuals. When we build resilience together, we become stronger ourselves that can overcome obstacles and prevent adversity.

结识其他遭遇相似的人,尤其是那些已经开始从不幸中复原的人,会让我们明白我们不会永远陷入悲伤中。Meeting other people who were farther along in the same journey helped us overcome permanence by showing us that we wouldn’t be stuck in the void of acute grief forever.

9. Failing and Learning at Work

工作上也需要恢复力。不怕批评,才能得到更多反馈,才能发展得更好。When its safe to talk about mistakes, people are more likely to report errors and less likely to make them. Being open to criticism means you get even more feedback, which makes you better.

10. To Love and Laugh Again

重新寻找爱是摆脱伤痛的一个极好方式。每个人都不要轻易放弃自己爱和快乐的权利。Love is the third rail of grief. 

用幽默来对抗不幸,让自己更好恢复。Humor can make us more resilient.

不要让悲剧影响我们的一生,而要让恢复力终身陪伴我们。Tragedy does not have to be personal, pervasive, or permanent, but resilience can be. We can build in and carry it with us throughout our live.


看完Option B已经有好几天了,但读书笔记却一直迟迟没有开始,我想原因可能有以下几个:

放假了!彻底放飞了自我~

脱离读书群了,没有紧迫感~

不知写什么~或者说不知从何写起~或者说想逃避~

不过,当我还在流着眼泪看Option B的时候, Sheryl已经move on,找到了她的Option B:听说是一个叫做Bobby Kotick的亿万富翁~ 

话说第一次对作者Sheryl Sandberg 有印象,还是两年前的某天,她丈夫突然离世,热门微博被关于她的一篇文章刷屏(具体内容忘了,不知是悼念信还是什么),那时候,因为家人的病痛,我的心情也是低到了谷底,压抑到了极点。不是尖锐的刺痛,而是那种窒息般让你喘不过气说不出来的痛,继而被无尽的空虚填满的无助感。经历了差不多半年的压抑沉痛的状态,才慢慢走出来,重新找回生活中的阳光。生活从来都不完美,但还是希望一切都会越来越好!


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