CODEPENDENCY, SELF-ESTEEM & RELATIONSHIPS 互相依赖共存,自尊和人际关系(2)

本文作者Darlene Lancer

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Attachment style reflects self-esteem

依恋附着类型反应自尊

As a result of their insecurity, shame, and impaired self-esteem, children develop anattachment stylethat, to varying degrees, is anxious or avoidant. They develop anxious and avoidant attachment styles and behave like pursuers and distancers described in “The Dance of Intimacy.” At the extreme ends, some individuals cannot tolerate either being alone or too close; either one creates intolerable pain.

Anxiety can lead you to sacrifice your needs and please and accommodate your partner. Due to basic insecurity, you’re preoccupied with the relationship and highly attuned to your partner, worrying that he or she wants less closeness. But because you don’t get your needs met, you become unhappy. Adding to this, you take things personally with a negative twist, projecting negative outcomes. Low self-esteem makes you hide your truth so as not to “make waves,” which compromises real intimacy. You may also be jealous of your partner’s attention to others and call or text frequently, even when asked not to. By repeated attempts to seek reassurance, you unintentionally push your partner away even further. Both of you end up unhappy.

他们的不安全感,羞耻羞愧心和受损的自尊而产生的结果就是孩子们发展出一种依恋附着类型,程度是变化的,是焦虑或者有回避的反应。就像“亲密关系的舞蹈”中所描述的,他们发展出有焦虑和回避反应的附着类型并在人际关系中表现地好像追求者和测距仪。在最极端的结果中,一些个体不能忍受要么独自一人或者要么太近的关系;任何一个都会产生不可容忍的伤痛。

焦虑会导致你牺牲自己的需求和去取悦和容纳适应及供应你的伙伴。由于基本的不安全感,你会对人际关系斤斤计较并且为你的伙伴而高度协调,担忧他/她想要少一点亲密。但是因为你没有满足你的需求,你变得不开心。加上这点,你把事情当成个体的事情并且对它有一个消极扭曲的态度,突出负面的结果。低自尊使你隐藏你的事实情况以便不成为“兴风作浪”的人,而对真正的亲密关系妥协退让。你可能也是嫉妒你同伴对于其他人和对于电话或者频繁的简讯往来行为的注意力,即使在被要求不要这样嫉妒的时候。用重复的尝试去寻求安心,你无意的行为把你的同伴推得更远。你们双方的关系以不开心而告终。

Avoiders, as the term implies, avoid closeness and intimacy through distancing behaviors, such as flirting, making unilateral decisions, addiction, ignoring their partner, or dismissing his or her feelings and needs. This creates tension in the relationship, usually voiced by the anxious partner. Because avoiders are hypervigilant about their partner’s attempts to control or limit their autonomy in any way, they then distance themselves even more. Neither style contributes to satisfying relationships.

躲避,就像这个术语暗含着是在保持距离的行为中避开亲密和亲密行为,就像打情骂俏,制造单边的决定,成瘾,忽视他们的同伴,或者不予考虑他/她的感受和需求。这都在关系中创造了紧张的氛围,通常由焦虑的同伴来表达。因为躲避是对于他们同伴用任何方式尝试去控制或者限制他们的自主权的行为的过分警惕,然后他们会在他们之间有比从前更多的距离。两个类型都不能对于令人满意的关系有贡献。

Communication reveals self-esteem

交流揭示了自尊的状态

Dysfunctional families lack good communication skills that intimate relationships require. Not only are they important to any relationship, they also reflect self-esteem. They involve speaking clearly, honestly, concisely, and assertively, and the ability to listen, as well. They require that you know and are able to clearly communicate your needs, wants, and feelings, including the ability to set boundaries. The more intimate the relationship, the more important and more difficult practicing these skills becomes.

不正常的家庭缺乏对于亲密关系所需要的良好交流技巧。不仅是它们对于任何人际关系都很重要,而是它们也反映了自尊的状态。它们包含在清晰的表述,诚实的表述,简明的表述,独断的表述,也包含在倾听的能力中。它们需要你知道并且能够清晰地交流你的需求,愿望和感受,包括能够设置界限的能力。人际关系越亲密,操练这些交流技巧就变得越来越重要和困难。

Codependents generally have problems with assertiveness. At the same time, they deny their feelings and needs, due to the fact that they were shamed or ignored in their childhood. They also consciously suppress what they think and feel so as not to anger or alienate their partner and risk criticism or emotional abandonment. Instead, they rely on mindreading, asking questions, caretaking, blaming, lying, criticizing, avoiding problems or ignoring or controlling their partner. They learn these strategies from the dysfunctional communication witnessed in their families growing up. But these behaviors are problematic in themselves and can lead to escalating conflict, characterized by attacks, blame, and withdrawal. Walls get erected that block openness, closeness, and happiness.  Sometimes, a partner seeks closeness with a third person, threatening the stability of the relationship.

通常互相依赖共存会有过分自信的问题。与此同时他们否定他们的感受和需求,因为他们在童年时期有被羞辱或者被忽视的事实经历。为了不使他们的同伴生气和疏远,自身受到批评或者在情感上被遗弃,他们会同样会有意识地压抑他们自己的所想和所感。相反地,他们依靠心灵感应,提出问题,照管,责备,说谎,批评,避免问题或者忽视或者控制他们的同伴。在他们的家庭成长中被见证了不正常的交流而使他们学到这些策略。但是这些行为对他们自身是有问题的并且会导致逐步升级的冲突,以攻击,责备,撤回为行为特征。人际关系中的墙直立,阻止公开,亲密和幸福。有时候一个同伴会向一个第三方的人物寻求亲近,这样威胁了关系的稳定性。

©Darlene Lancer 2016

达琳蓝瑟于2016

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