Everything I Never Told You (读书笔记之二)

终于读+听完了EVERYTHING I NEVER TOLD YOU, 虽然是虚构的故事,但还是为这个不应该发生的悲剧故事而动容。看似娓娓道来的叙事风格,却柔中带刚地包含了多重的人物对抗的关系,并且通过在生活化的展现中反映社会现实中人与人的沟通壁垒和人内心深处的渴望、失落、逃避和愧疚。尤其是父母对自己未实现梦想的不甘,转化为对子女的期待和压力,值得为人父母者深思。

这本小说给我最多感受的人物是Marilyn, 三个孩子的母亲。她半途离家求学的这段经历让我想起一部老电影《克莱默夫妇》( Kramer vs Kramer ),它讲的就是这么一个妈妈闹独立的故事。

影片一开场,就是女主乔安娜准备离家出走的画面。这位妈妈在照顾孩子六年后,忽然觉得再也没法继续这种单调又没追求的家庭主妇生活了。离开前,她也犹豫过,只可惜她丈夫不理解她,最后乔安娜下定决心要去寻找自我,就像她说的那样:“我爱我的孩子,但我没有办法接受一辈子就是人家的太太、妈妈或女儿。” 她说得没错。没人规定女人就必须为“妈妈、妻子”这样的职位付出一生,每个人都有追求自我的权利,不是吗?

然而,父母冲突的牺牲品永远都是孩子。那个名叫比利的可怜小男孩,不论如何也想不通:“是我不够乖吗?是不是我哪句话哪个动作惹恼了妈妈?如果不是这样,她为什么会离我而去?”

他并不理解什么是爸爸妈妈想要追求的自我。在成人世界里,爱只是生活的一部分,在孩子的世界里,爱却是他的全部。

好在冲突之后,两个人还能够重新回到原点,并得到了各自的成长。

这部电影,婚姻的残酷、自我与家庭的冲突全在里面了。电影也告诉我们:在自我与家庭之间,你必须找到一个平衡点。

而Lydia就是这个家庭里的平衡点。不幸的是,她年纪太小了。

Marilyn把求学未遂的一切希望和重担压在小小的Lydia身上,想让Lydia帮她实现她自己的梦想,最终成为了不能承受的生命之轻。

配不上父母的野心,也辜负了所受的苦难。

“Are you done with your homework already?” No answer.

Marilyn pursed her lips. “You know, you shouldn’t be listening to music if you haven’t finished your schoolwork.”

Lydia picked at a hangnail. “I’ll do it after dinner.”

“Better to get started now, don’t you think? Make sure you have time to finish it all and do a careful job?” Marilyn’s face softened. “Sweetheart, I know high school may not feel important. But it’s the foundation of the rest of your life.”

有没有觉得这样的对话很熟悉?这应该是我们从小到大从父母师长口中听到最多的谆谆教诲,我们也一路从这样的期望中走过叛逆期不断成长。而Lydia为什么做不到呢?

因为她害怕。真的害怕。

Jack was right: she had been afraid so long, she had forgotten what it was like not to be—afraid that, one day, her mother would disappear again, that her father would crumble, that their whole family would collapse once more.

曾经离家后来又回归家庭的妈妈就如同Lydia的救命稻草一般,Lydia从5岁开始就已经慢慢失去了自我。

Ever since that summer without her mother, their family had felt precarious, as if they were teetering on a cliff. Before that she hadn’t realized how fragile happiness was, how if you were careless, you could knock it over and shatter it. Anything her mother wanted, she had promised. As long as she would stay. She had been so afraid.

Ever since that summer, she had been so afraid—of losing her mother, of losing her father. And, after a while, the biggest fear of all: of losing Nath, the only one who understood the strange and brittle balance in their family. Who knew all that had happened. Who had always kept her afloat.

Ever since that summer, he had felt something still binding their ankles and tugging him off balance, fettering her weight to his. For ten years, that something had not loosened, and now it had begun to chafe. All those years, as the only other person who understood their parents, he had absorbed her miseries, offering silent sympathy or a squeeze on the shoulder or a wry smile.

作者三次提到Ever since that summer, 没有妈妈的日子,读起来让人心碎。

害怕失去一切。然而最终失去一切。

当你凝视深渊的时候,深渊也在凝视着你。

She had promised: anything her mother wanted. Anything at all. As long as her mother stayed.

作者再次重述这句话,一个害怕失去妈妈的小女孩跃然纸上。她对自己做出承诺,听妈妈的话,只要妈妈在身边。

然而爸爸与妈妈大相径庭的教诲和期望,也越来越让Lydia无所适从:

“I know this year has been tough, and your mother’s been asking a lot of you,” James said. “Just remember, school isn’t everything. It’s not as important as friendship, or love.”

然后也越来越自相矛盾:

Or if she looked like everyone else, perhaps it would not matter that she had to study all the time, that she could not go out on the weekends until she’d done all her homework, that she could not go out with boys at all. One or the other might be overcome. To be pulled both ways—no dress, no book, no locket could help that.

慢慢被逼到了死胡同走不出来:

she had already begun to feel it: how hard it would be to inherit their parents’ dreams. How suffocating to be so loved.

Lydia生命中最后的无声告白,似乎得到了一次重生:

It was not too late. There on the dock, Lydia made a new set of promises, this time to herself. She will begin again. She will tell her mother: enough. She will take down the posters and put away the books. If she fails physics, if she never becomes a doctor, it will be all right. She will tell her mother that. And she will tell her mother, too: it’s not too late. For anything. She will give her father back his necklace and his book. She will stop holding the silent phone to her ear; she will stop pretending to be someone she is not. From now on, she will do what she wants. Feet planted firmly on nothing, Lydia—so long enthralled by the dreams of others—could not yet imagine what that might be, but suddenly the universe glittered with possibilities. She will change everything.

很压抑的一个故事,虽然结尾处给了一点点希望。然而时光真的不能倒流,仅此而己。

总结一下我的感受就是:

1,别把自己的梦想附加在孩子身上

2,与孩子沟通是一门艺术

3,爱别人同时也不要失去自己


一眨眼,2017年即将过去一半,光阴易逝,岂容我待,回顾这半年来学习的收获,不算多,但也算是雁过留痕:

今年正式开始100本原版书阅读计划,希望自己在忙碌的工作和家庭生活之余,勿忘初心,不放弃追求精神上的食粮,更要在宝宝面前树立好的榜样!我承认我也是个“自私”妈妈,如果光带娃,自己不做点别的事情,这一天会感觉没太多价值可言。

然而上班加带娃,一天留给自己的时间和精力寥寥无几,很多人也都有这样的烦恼:每天忙忙碌碌就过去了,说好的锻炼身体呢?说好的100本书呢?

其实你的可支配时间远比想象中多。

有个TED演讲,给观众们做了个统计:一周有24x7=168个小时,假设你每天睡8小时,每周工作8小时 x 5天,每周还有72个小时可以支配。就算你的工作强度比较大,每天要工作10小时,也还剩62个小时。这62个小时,其实都是你的可支配时间,可以用来运动,陪娃,学习,做家务等。支配时间的方式不同,产生的结果也不同。

那么,有没有办法在高质量陪娃的同时,也实现自我成长?在这里顺便梳理和总结一下自己的感悟和心得,分享给大家:

做减法

不要让自己的太累。我也不是超人,如果让自己太累,家庭的小船说翻就翻。保持自己的兴趣爱好的同时,尽量简化生活琐事,学会放手,不要事必躬亲,比如洗碗拖地等。适当断舍离:如刷朋友圈、看电视剧、逛街下馆子等。

做统筹

做好计划,统筹好了,成为规律,这样才有效率。读原版书上,我是跟着读书群制定的统一进度来读的,只要提前规划好时间,其实没有想象中难。充分利用好碎片化时间,比如读书给宝宝听,在外面溜娃的时候听有声书等。另外,管理精力比管理时间更重要。想用更少的时间做更多,关键在于:不断调整“时间-任务-精力”三者之间的匹配,找到最优组合。

归根到底,做还是不做,取决于你自己。再多的客观原因都是借口,比如我前段时间,娃不在身边一个多星期,我整个星期游手好闲不学无术。更别提假期的生活了,不上班的话,愈放假愈懒。

很多时候我们“没时间做一件事”,真正的意思是“这事对我不重要”。

接下来马上就要开始读另一本新书Option B,是Facebook首席运营官桑德伯格写的书。其实这个女强人在丈夫去世之前一直能将自我实现和家庭关系完美兼顾,虽然天妒英才,丈夫早逝,但她也始终没放弃自己,What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. 期待这本书!

附:笔记一

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