简书-语言翻译练习群3月21日中译英练习笔记-未完待续

鸣谢:

语言翻译编编:南下的夏天; 热心的口语老师:颖子Mandy 老师;群里努力练习的大神们    and   今晚帮我带娃的丈母娘

题目:

3.21  练习 请将以下中文翻译成英文,段落较长(因原文是一个完整的意群,所以没法拆开)。

他还以画作为科举升官的一种考试,每年以诗词做题目,刺激出许多新的创意佳画。如题目为“深山藏古寺”,许多人画深山寺院飞檐,但得第一名的没有画任何房屋,只画了一个和尚在山溪挑水。另题为,“踏花归来马蹄香”,得第一名的没有画任何花卉,只画了一人骑马,有蝴蝶飞绕马蹄间,凡此等等。这些都极大地刺激了中国画意境的发展。

夏神对题目的补充说明:

我来简要说一下今天的练习哈!其实给大家布置练习之前。我仔细研究过六级的近年翻译真题,因为群里有些小伙伴要考六级要考笔译证书。而我选出练习的段落其实和六级翻译难度持平。远远低于笔译二级难度。我们知道六级是不能查字典的。那么要考六级的小伙伴必修训练自己在不查字典的情况下如何处理看似艰难的译文。并且六级翻译时间有限。像今天的练习,最多只能给自己二十五分钟译出来。而要考笔译的小伙伴则要训练自己快速译出以及快速查字典核对的能力!笔译考试其实时间特别紧张。至于我为什么不拿真题训练。是因为真题的答案网上都有。可能会不由自主看答案。

以上学习要点说完了。像今天的练习,如果二十分钟译不出来的小伙伴且又要考六级,真地要特别努力了!六级翻译比今天的选段长多了!

如果说去年的散文翻译是为了引发大家对语言的兴趣与美学感受。那么今年这些偏正式的文本,其实是在预热考试(我知道很多人不愿刷六级的非选择题,对不对?)

练习材料都不是头脑发热随便选的……而是经过考量的。

包括语音材料也是发布前一天我和颖老师讨论过要注意的发音与单词才截取的。

但是……如果不做练习,不回顾解析,不整理成笔记文章……那就没办法了……



本人的作业:

He even set painting as one of the imperial competitive examinations in which poems were offered as questions and inspired many masterpieces with new innovations. For example there once was a question which was extracted from a poetry "the ancient temple hidden in deep mountains" and many candidates presented temple buildings among the mountains while the winner of the examination drew nothing about temples but only a monk carrying water nearby a mountain stream. In another examination with the question "fragrance around horse hoofs after an excursion in flowery fields" the first place winner didn't draw any flowers but only a man riding on a horse with several butterflies flying around the horse's hoofs. There were many other examples and all of these stimulated the development of Chinese paintings'  artistic conception greatly.

作业阶段疑点难点纪要:

1. 很多词都需要查词典才会写,excursion、extract、fragrance,还有development不查词典完全拼不对啊……

2. 科举考试 the imperial competitive examination、佳作 masterpiece、诗句 poetry、马蹄 horse hoof、意境 artistic conception 均需根据中文查中英词典才知道怎么写。

3. 原文中的“题目”该如何翻译?title、topic、problem、question,都觉得不贴切,最后选了question。

4. 句子结构还是有点糊涂,写完后再看,第一句“……and inspired many masterpieces with new innovations.”这部分的主语到底是什么,自己也没想明白。

5. 总体读来还是嫌啰嗦,not …… but only 的用法重复等等

虽然得到了夏神的鼓励,但是自己心里还是很清楚很多地方有待提高啊。

群内大神们的佳句:

……carrying water in ravine stream rather than deep mountains, temples and cornices  painted by other students. Another title was"return after enjoying flowers, aroma surrounding the horseshoes", the champion selected many butterflies flying around the hooves instead of  flowers while……

Another title was Horseshoe Scented with Flowers after Spring Outing, the winner only presented a man riding a horse, with a few butterflies flying around horse hoofs without a flower, and so on.

While most candidates drew deep mountain and the cornice of temple, the winner drew no temple in his work, but a monk fetching water from the mountain stream.

……and the butterflies fluttering around the horseshoe.


夏神的零星纠错:

因为题目是深山藏古寺。画师肯定不会去画山中寺庙的全貌……毕竟题目有个藏字嘛!通行做法肯定是画建筑物(最高)的一部分,那么就是飞檐了。您的译文容易让读者误解为画师画了山中的寺庙建筑……

这是本人的错误哈,直接订正:

……many candidates presented  cornices of temples among the mountains while……

He also applied drawing to the test of imperial examination and used poems as titles……

apply to 这种应用、运用通常是指运用某种技术。而原文是指将作画设置为科举科目,是一种机制建设,而不是运用……

英文解释 to use something such as a method, idea, or law in a particular situation, activity, or process

既然是建设了作画入科举的机制。用make set都比较好。

意境 译为 artistic conception 并不恰当

artistic conception 艺术的概念,构想,确实和中文的“意境”的含义对不上。

参考译文中将其译为:artistic ambience

ambience: the character of a place or the feeling you have about it 环境氛围的意思

artistic ambience 常常连在一起表达意境的意思,不过查到的例句都是中翻英的文章名,是不是还有更贴切更地道的译法呢?

poetry是集合名词是种类词,是不可数的

额,看来我那句“extracted from a poetry” 还是错了……

佳作 masterpiece 也不是很贴切

看下面的参考译文,原文中的“佳画”中的“佳”并没有直接译出。这里的佳画应指质量上乘的作品,或优秀的画作,是否直接译出我个人觉得无可无不可。


参考译文

He even made painting a testing item of the annual imperial examination, with the assigned subject usually based on a poem.

This approach gave rise to the creation of many original paintings, one of which was the painting known as An Ancient Temple Deep in the Mountain.

While many other candidates drew a temple with overhanging eaves deep in the mountain in their paintings, the top candidate, who came out first in the imperial examination, drew no temple at all in his painting, but a monk fetching water from a mountain creek.

Another example was the painting entitled Galloping Back over Flowers, Fragrance Sticks in Horse Hooves, whose creator, also the top candidate in another imperial examination, drew no flowers, but a man on a horse with butterflies scudding around its hooves.

These practices gave a great impetus to the development of artistic ambience in Chinese painting.


夏神的引导式分步解析:

我现在开始引导式分步解析。我会给出原文和参考译文,再提出一些问题,欢迎大家空闲时,查阅字典后回答。

Part 1:

■分解之一:他还以画作为科举升官的一种考试,每年以诗词做题目……

■ 参考译文:He even made painting a testing item of the annual imperial examination, with the assigned subject usually based on a poem.

✎ 问题1: 您所理解的item是何含义?item除了译文中的用法还可以如何在日常口语中使用?

✎ 问题2: 译文中为什么要用assign这个词语。assignment有哪些用法?

✎ 贴士:温习一下 base on的用法!

大家可以空闲时,查字典后回答哈!这样会记得比较牢固!

made painting a testing item   -   就是这么简单!突然发现我的作业完全漏掉了“每年”这个点……

item:条目、细项, an item

assign:这里应该是指定的意思,一般当做布置、分派任务给指定的某人来理解,assignment就是作业,任务的意思。

subject based on a poem:基于诗词出的题目,相比较确实比我作业的中的翻译更精准,从后面的内容也可以看出题目不是整首的诗,而是诗句。


Part 2:

■ 分步解析之二:

原文:……刺激出许多新的创意佳画。如题目为“深山藏古寺”,许多人画深山寺院飞檐,但得第一名的没有画任何房屋,只画了一个和尚在山溪挑水。

参考译文:This approach gave rise to the creation of many original paintings, one of which was the painting known as An Ancient Temple Deep in the Mountain.

✎ 问题一:approach在此处指代什么?其含义有哪些?

✎ 问题二:rise此处做名词,作为名词的rise有哪些用法?

✎ 贴士:非限定定语从句的用法,which的指代。

标题的翻译,实词的首字母需要大写。

approach:方法、路径,这里指代前文中绘画纳入科举考试这一举措。此外approach还能当动词,有靠近、接近的意思;

gave rise to:引起、导致。That could give rise to a lot of turmoil.   rise本身有升起、提高的意思。

题目为“深山藏古寺” :参考译文比我的作业要简洁得多。翻译的时候没想明白,前文已经交代了诗词做题目,自然考题也就成了画名。直接说一幅名为xxx的画即可。

An Ancient Temple Deep in the Mountain: 和自己的作业比较,一个问题是我的标题翻译没有首字母大写,而是按中文习惯用了双引号。第二点是参考译文精妙的地方,deep一词表达出了深和藏两个含义。


Part 3

■  分步解析之三:

原文:许多人画深山寺院飞檐,但得第一名的没有画任何房屋,只画了一个和尚在山溪挑水。

参考译文:While many other candidates drew a temple with overhanging eaves deep in the mountain in their paintings, the top candidate, who came out first in the imperial examination, drew no temple at all in his painting, but a monk fetching water from a mountain creek.

✎ 问题一:candidate含义是什么?这里用candidate为什么比examinee好?

✎ 问题二: 参考译文用了形容词overhanging,那么动词overhang除了悬挂的含义,还有哪些用法?

✎ 贴士: the top candidate 与 who came out first 同义反复,既是强调也是释解。

fetch的含义,为什么比用carry好?

介词from比用near之类更加传神!

candidate:应试者,候选人  examinee:考生

如果是学校的考试、某种标准化的考试或者升学考试,用examinee即可。但是科举考试,并非这些学术类的考试,而是选拔官员的考试,应试者也是未来官员的候选人,用candidate应该更贴切。

overhang 的动词含义:

1.to project or extend over something leaving a sheltered space beneath

2.to threaten or loom over somebody or something

3.to stick out from an edge above something

4.hang over; stand out over

5.threaten; be likely to come

6.hang over; project over

意思好多……,这里可以看到overhang本来就有檐的意思,从上方伸出,在某事上或对某人投下阴影,此外还有威胁的意思。

名词的意思里还有过剩、多出来、背负(债务)的意思。

overhanging eave 飞檐,eave对我而言是个新词,所以没写出来我心安理得^_^b。

who came out first in the imperial examination 应该是对the top candidate 的补充说明,因为top还不能把第一名这个意思完全表达出来,也可以理解成拔尖的,一流的,加上who came out first in …… 之后 头一名这个意思就完全表达出来了。

再看我写的carrying …… nearby……对比参考译文的 fetching……from……,一静一动,高下立判。fetch指离开某地去别处取回什么东西,和尚打了水还要回庙里的,用fetch明显更符合原文的内涵。没有比较就没有伤害,原本对carrying …… nearby……的翻译还挺满意的,现在觉得我的翻译就是个呆立在水流边的和尚,而参考译文才是那个山涧中打了水,挑水沿着山路返寺的僧人。一个fetch from,顿时画面就动了起来。

还有creek,也是个背过但是自己写就想不起来的单词。


Part 4:

■ 分步解析四

原文:另题为,“踏花归来马蹄香”,得第一名的没有画任何花卉,只画了一人骑马,有蝴蝶飞绕马蹄间,凡此等等。这些都极大地刺激了中国画意境的发展。

参考译文:Another example was the painting entitled Galloping Back over Flowers, Fragrance Sticks in Horse Hooves, whose creator, also the top candidate in another imperial examination, drew no flowers, but a man on a horse with butterflies scudding around its hooves.

These practices gave a great impetus to the development of artistic ambience in Chinese painting.

✎ 问题一:entitle 的ed修饰用法,entitle的含义是什么?除了命名,还有什么用法?

✎ 问题二:gallop原本含义可能和踏花游春不符,为什么加上back就十分传神?

✎ 问题三:scud用在参考译文中是否合适?加上around后的效果如何?是否与前文中的gallop呼应?

✎ 问题四:ambience的含义是什么?

✎ 贴士:stick的用法十分传神。

参考译文中的ing分词和ed分词用法确保行文简洁。

参考译文将刺激转译成名词,转译法的使用很值得注意!

entitle:除了命名,还有授予权利或资格的意思:

Your qualifications entitle you to a higher salary. 

gallop是骑马疾驰的意思,应该说原文并没有疾驰的直接表达,如果是春风得意马蹄疾,那用gallop就没跑了。实际上gallop back是对踏……归……的翻译,over flowers,从花上疾驰而归。突然发现我的翻译有些过度诠释了,把踏花理解成了出游赏花赏月赏秋香……,大概是下意识的理解成了踏春?

scud做动词有三个意思:

1.to move swiftly and smoothly; 

2.to sail with a gale or strong wind blowing from behind

3.if clouds scud across the sky, they move quickly

嗯,果然还是要看英文的释义,不然光看中文翻译:飞掠;疾飞,正好把这里用到的第二个意思漏掉了。

第二个意思:被强风或气流推着漂

这里确实和前面的gallop呼应起来了,马在疾驰,带起了风,蝴蝶被香气吸引靠近马蹄,却被气流带动在马蹄旁边翩翩起舞。为译文点一百个赞!

ambience: the character of a place or the feeling you have about it 环境氛围的意思。

stick,沾,依附,附着,万花丛中过片叶不沾身应该就可以翻成without one single leaf stuck in吧?哈哈~~

ing分词和ed分词用法确保行文简洁-确实很神奇,怎么才能自然而然的把句子结构搭成这样呢?

高山仰止的感觉油然而生!



自我小结

待补充

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