A Breakup Letter From The Internet To You
一封来自于 Internet 的分手信
蛮有意思的文章，渣翻了一下。
Dear You,
亲爱的你，
We need to talk. Can you please close that video of spaghetti-eating penguins? And, shut off your Spotify? And, stop Snapchatting about your Panera salad? And, put away your iPad, that Onion article can wait. Listen, you’re great and all, but I don’t think we should see each other anymore.
我们需要谈谈。你可以先关掉那个吃意大利面的企鹅的视频吗？然后关闭你的 Spotify（音乐服务网站） ？以及能不能别再拍你的 Panera 沙拉照片上传到 Snapchat （照片分享应用) ？放下你的 Ipad ，那篇 Onion （新闻网站） 上的文章可以等会儿再看。听着，你很优秀也充满魅力，但我认为我们还是不要再见面了吧。
You’re too damn clingy. It’s a real turn off. A few years ago, we only saw each other at home, in the evenings and maybe on the weekends. Now, it’s CONSTANT.
你太粘人了。这真的烦透了。几年之前，我们只在家、在晚上或许还在周末见面，但现在，几乎是从不分开。
I need some space. We talk all the time and it’s driving me crazy. You have no self-control — hitting me up at work, when you’re driving, taking the train, waiting in line, hell, even when you’re taking a shit. No couple needs to go to the bathroom together. That’s too much and very unhealthy.
我需要一些空间。我们之间这种不停地交流让我快要要疯了。你缺少自制力，你在工作时找我，在开车时，乘火车时，排队时，该死的，甚至当你在拉粑粑的时候也会找我。没有情侣会一起上厕所。这太过了并且也不健康。
Do you remember the old days when you called me from your landline? It was so sweet. You spent hours trying to get ahold of me. Then, when we did finally connect, you asked me about important world events, with only the occasional “Show Me Kathy Ireland Naked” requests. Now, you call me from the grocery store to see how much Kim Kardashian’s face transplant cost.
Life is a pearl of wisdom waiting for us to discover and I need to stimulate my mind and soul with that profundity. For christ’s sake, I understand quantum physics and you want to know how much Justin Bieber works out. She works out a lot. Let’s move on. Why don’t we talk about the mind-bending vastness of the cosmos? I hold scientific secrets that could demystify human existence and you call me from the gym to ask what Meek Mill is. Use your head a little, it’s an oatmeal company.
你还记得那些你只能通过电话线路找我的老时光么？那是那样的甜蜜。你花了数小时就为了连上我，然后我们终于连接在了一起，你问我一些重要的国际实事，偶尔也会说：给我看看 Kathy Ireland 的裸体。现在，你会在杂货店里找我然后问 Kim Kardashian 的脸部移植花了多少钱。生活就是一颗智慧的珍珠等待着我们去采摘，我也需要让自己的思想与灵魂达到那样的深度。看在上帝的份上，我懂得量子力学然后你却问我 Justin Bieber 赚了多少钱。他赚了很多。我们继续。为什么我们不聊聊引人入胜的无垠宇宙？我拥有的科学秘密能深入浅出地解释人类的存在而你却在健身房问我 Meek Mill 是什么？稍微动动你的脑子，那是燕麦公司。
It’s more than just our conversational void, though. I’ve grown up more than you. I mean, you asked me where to buy ecstasy the other day. Come on! I’m passed that stage of my life. I want to evolve, to become an intelligent, contributing member of society. You, however, seem completely satisfied Tweeting your groundbreaking thoughts on Donald Trump’s toupee. There’s more to life than barfing your every thought into my face, you know?
并且这并不仅仅是因为交流上的空虚感。我比你更加的成熟。我是指，当你有天问我从哪儿才能买到摇头丸。拜托，我已经过了那个阶段了。我想要进化，成为一个更加智能，做出更多有贡献的社会成员。而你，看起来完全满足于发一些关于 Donald Trump 假发的段子。生活比把你的每个想法都吐到我脸上更加地有意义，你明白吗？
Don’t get me wrong. You’re great and there’s definitely maybe someone out there for you. You could go out with Movies or give Laser Tag a call. I know they’re both pretty lonely. Or, you could go to a bar. You may meet an actual human being without me directly in your face the whole time.
别误会。你很优秀，也一定会有个人在等待着你的出现。你可以出去看看电影或者试试 Laser Tag（一种休闲活动）。我知道那两位有点孤独。或者你可以去酒吧，你会遇见真实的人而不是天天面对着我。
I care deeply about you, but I need out. I plan to take a Google blimp around the world. It’s best if you don’t try to to contact me.
我很关心你，但我需要独处。我计划乘着 Google 飞艇环游世界。如果你不来找我那就太棒了。
Good luck with everything. And, before you ask, no, WebMd doesn’t list any cures for a “broken heart”.
祝一切顺利。以及在你发问之前，我可以告诉你 WebMd （医疗网站）上并没有治疗“心碎”的方法。
Best Wishes,
美好祝福，
Internet
Internet
