CODEPENDENCY, SELF-ESTEEM & RELATIONSHIPS 互相依赖共存,自尊和人际关系(1)

本文作者Darlene Lancer

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Research has well-established the link between good self-esteem and relationship satisfaction. Self-esteem not only affects how we think about ourselves, but also how much love we’re able to receive and how we treat others, especially in intimate relationships.

A person’s initial level of self-esteem prior to the relationship predicts partners’ common relationship satisfaction. More specifically, although happiness generally declines slightly over time, this isn’t true for people who enter a relationship with higher levels of self-esteem. But the steepest decline is for people whose self-esteem was lower to begin with.[1]Frequently, those relationships don’t last. Even though communication skills, emotionality, and stress all influence a relationship, a person’s past experience and personality traits affect how these issues are managed and therefore have the greatest bearing on its outcome.[2]

研究已经确定在好的自尊和人际关系满意度之间的链接。自尊不仅仅影响我们看待自己的方式而且也反映了我们能够接受多少爱的能力和我们如何对待他人的方式,特别当我们处在亲密关系里。

一个人最初的自尊水平在他的人际关系之前就有了,这预示合伙人的共同人际关系的满意度。更加特别地是即使幸福大致地随着时间在渐渐下降,这对于那些进入到高自尊水平人际关系的人们来说也并不是一定准确的。但是对于低自尊的人们而言会有急剧起伏的下降。即使沟通技巧,情感性和压力都会影响一段人际关系,那种人际关系经常是不会持久,一个人过去的历史经验和人格特性影响着如何管理这些问题和因此而能够对事情的结果有最好的承担力。

HOW SELF-ESTEEM AFFECTS RELATIONSHIPS

自尊如何影响人际关系

Self-esteem suffers when you grow up in adysfunctional family. Often you don’t have a voice. Your opinions and desires aren’t taken seriously. Parents usually have low self-esteem and are unhappy with each other. They themselves neither have nor model good relationship skills, including cooperation, healthy boundaries, assertiveness, and conflict resolution. They may be abusive, or just indifferent, preoccupied, controlling, interfering, manipulative, or inconsistent. Their children’s feelings and personal traits and needs tend to be shamed. As a result, a child feelsemotionally

abandonedand concludes that he or she is at fault–not good enough to be acceptable to both parents. This is howtoxic shamebecomes internalized. Children feel insecure, anxious, and/or angry. They don’t feel safe to be, to trust, and to like themselves. They grow up codependent with low self-esteem and learn to hide their feelings, walk on eggshells, withdraw, and try to please or become aggressive.

当你在一个不正常的家庭中成长时,人的自尊会遭受痛苦。通常你没有话语和表述的权利,你的建议和愿望都不会受到重视,父母亲通常有低自尊并且彼此相处不愉快。他们自己既不会人际关系技巧也不会有模范的好人际关系技巧,包括合作,健康的界线,自信果断和应对冲突的解决方法。他们可能是会虐待的和恶言相向的,或者对人漠不关心的,斤斤计较,喜欢控制,爱干涉,好支使人的或者前后矛盾。他们的孩子们的感受和人格特性以及需求趋于被羞耻地对待。结果就是一个孩子感觉到在情感上被遗弃和带来一种他/她是错误的有问题的,因为他们不够好而父母双方不接纳他们的结论。这是有毒的羞耻羞愧心如何变得内在化的过程。孩子们觉得不安全,焦虑和/或生气。他们不觉得安全,不觉得被信任,不觉得像他们做人的自己。他们成长在低自尊的互相依赖共存关系中并且学会掩藏他们的感受,如履薄冰谨慎处事,会回撤,并且尝试去取悦他人或者变得好斗有侵略性。

©Darlene Lancer 2016

达琳蓝瑟于2016

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