爱情的不可知论

飞机又晚点了,找到我的座位的时候看到邻座的男生手里拿着一叠有字迹的信封,有可能是需要发给客户的感谢信吧,我想。

排队等待起飞的时候,余光瞟到那个男生正在拆那一叠信,每一个信封里都是满满的一页手写字;我立马把余光收了起来,毕竟是别人的隐私。

飞机进入平流层之后,男生把看完了的信封放回去了,同时又拿出一本书。书是一本诗集,每翻几页都有字迹。我对这个男生正在接受着的炙热感情,实在很好奇;是什么样的爱情可以让人花这么多心思?它的意义是什么?

心理学认为人们在坠入爱河的时候,爱的并不是客观的对方,而是我们投射在对方身上的理想和完美。在荷尔蒙和好奇心的双重作用下,我们开始过滤关于爱人的信息,ta的缺点都是不值一提,而优点却是那么独一无二。两情相悦是最美好的,即使这份美好是两人分别在盲人摸象之后共同想象而来。

坠入爱河是一个动作而非一个状态,时间是一个神奇的变量;生活的琐碎和人性的真实让爱人逐渐地立体和真实。ta的每一个优点对应的都是另一个缺点,我们惊恐地发现自己对最亲密的人竟如此不了解。有人会认为是爱人变了,当有新的选择呈现出理想的可能性,就换一个对象。

哲学家Erich Fromm则认为 “爱是一种能力,和对象无关。” 以这个逻辑来推算,更换伴侣的频率也就是爱的能力指数;反对者则认为这种带有英雄主义的爱情观太机械了。

不管我们同意哪一种观点,“长久”似乎都是普世的衡量一份爱情的标准。所以“‘如何维持一份长久稳定的爱情“是一个规模巨大的产业,无数的”情感教练“和”爱情专家“都有自己的理论。市面上大多数的帮助集中于“如何做”,而缺乏“为什么”。

而从理论的逻辑性和全面性来说,《圣经》是最好的恋爱指南。圣经里常把耶稣比作新郎,把信徒比作新娘。新娘在新郎的眼中是圣洁和完美的,他对她的爱是无条件也永远不会改变。

耶稣在十字架上选择为所有(罪)人而死,就是爱的终极体现。当接受了这份恩典,不论你的伴侣对你做出什么可怕的事,你的痛苦也比不上被背叛却因为爱由神变成人并完全奉上自己的耶稣。

为了对方,选择杀死自我就是爱情里最艰难的选择;这里不仅指的是妥协和退让,更多的是为了你对爱人的这份承诺去杀死自己的骄傲和控制欲。相信所有有过长久恋爱经历的人都知道,这是多么的难。

“喂,我一到就和你视频了。生日礼物收到了,很喜欢。” 旁边男生突然的对话打断了我的思维,我再次用余光看了一眼对着手机的他,继续听着这通没话找话却你侬我侬的对话。

飞机落地,我走出了舱门。到底什么才是爱情? 谁又知道呢!

-----------------------------

虽然理论并不能让我们成为恋爱高手,但如果你想了解更多文中的观点,请参见:

Essays In Love by Alain De Botton; 

The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm


Watched a Woody Allen movie called Match Point today, a very valid social commentary about lust, love, justice and meaning. As woman, we've always been infatuated with the idea of a man madly falling in love us, the intense initial attraction we're able to evoke in a man gives woman the deepest confirmation she always craves. I must be lovable and attractive if a decent looks completely smitten with me. He throws everything else in his life out of the window just to see me, he cannot stop staring at me when we're together. That level of infatuation is intoxicating and a woman cannot get enough of that. That's how romantic drama have been written, to satisfy a woman's wet dream so to speak. That's why women obsessed over that guy who disappeared after first date or seems rationally move things slowly. Unfortunately, those intense desire or lust tend to fade, sometimes dramatically, left a woman feeling rejected, more so than if she had never been fixated that way. I love how Woody Allen disillusioned this false sign of being loved by having him killing her.  When it comes to love, I have been disillusioned a lot in real life, apparently not enough to get rid of being disappointed entirely. Somehow there's still part of me looking for that narrative and want to fit those people I met into that narrative, odd tendency. I have to constantly remind myself to see people for who they are, acknowledging each other's needs in a relationship, what my non-negotiables are and decide if it will be a sustainable way of sharing a life. Quite methodical and business-like, it is real life, if you want to be content, you have to figure out a mutually beneficial partnership.  

推荐阅读更多精彩内容