雅思大作文001—改造好的犯人是给青少年宣讲犯罪危害的最佳人选吗?(2018年7月28日真题)评改思路及评改稿分享

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刚才拜读了微信公众号《老雅英语写作工作室》唐伟胜老师的雅思范文,对比我自己在上一篇文章中发表的习作,我学习到了许多东西。

第一,唐老师解题的思路比较独到。他从青少年教育的视角切入,并用了先扬后抑的方式来探究文章主题,这样写作能发挥的余地会更多,寻找论据也会更容易。在我以后类似讨论最佳解决方案的题目中也可以尝试使用。

第二,唐老师的范文行文十分通顺连贯、用词用句十分丰富、得体和有变化,比如,他用了ex-prisoner,the consequences of violating the law,the pain their behavior have inflicted on the victims and their family, how hard it is in prison and the meaning of freedom等地道表达,在这一方面十分值得我学习和借鉴。

下面我尝试根据唐老师的范文对自己的习作做一定修改,学以致用,让我的文字表达更加规范和得当。

Crime preventing and fighting is a core issue for social order and security, so the question who are the best people to impart to youngsters the dangers of violating the law has become a hot topic. Different people may have different views, while in my opinion, the best people are those former convicts who turned into good citizens after successful reformation in prison.

First, leading by opposite example is very effective to convey the message of crime harms. Teenagers are usually very curious about what happened around them, and they cannot properly distinguish right from wrong, as a result, they may follow the bad example of some evil adults to bully other people, take drugs or swindle other people of their property and wealth and pathetically end themselves up in jail. While those ex-criminals are just like their dark side in terms of curiosity and ignorance, so there might be more resonance between them. When the teenagers found the great damage the illegal and ruthless deeds conducted by the former criminals who have been well reformed, they would be more likely to connect with the story, more conscious of the serious consequences of illegal behaviors and realize the importance to keep the criminal acts at a bay.

Second, positive instruction have very limited effect in driving home the crime preventing message because teenagers are usually very rebellious at their current age period according to world’s well known phychologists. There are infinite instructions and stories about being an honest and law abiding citizens yet the rate of teenager delinquency remains high. From this awkward situation we can see that traditional law and order education is not so effective for young people and new and alternative way to enlighten the kids is called for by the society. In my view, using former prisoners who have turned into nice citizens can work very well in this respect.

To sum up, ex-prisoners who have been transformed into good behavior citizen are the best people to talk to the teenagers about the dangers of crime commiting and help young people to stick to the path of obeying the law and devoting themselves to the positive construction of a peaceful and prosperous society.

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