The Impact of Children's Early Experiences

It can be profound, affecting their basic outlook toward themselves and other. Dr. Thomas A. Harris suggests that there are four such outlooks, and not all of them are healthy:

I'm not OK – You're OK.

I'm not OK – you're not OK.

I'm OK – You're not OK.

I'm OK – You're OK.

The first outlook occurs for everyone between birth and age two or three. It develops when children sense their own fumbling helplessness and adults' comparative ability. The difference in size and skill makes adults seem almost godlike. And so children feel inferior.

Age two or three, in Harris's view, is an important juncture. Children may continue in the first outlook with their feelings of inferiority lessening as they grow in knowledge and skill. Or they may slip into the harmful second or third outlook.

The second develops when mothers are unusually cold. Lacking any encouragement, the children literally lack a reason to live. If they survive, they tend to become emotionally stunted, unable to accept recognition from anyone.

The third outlook occurs when cruel, unloving parents beat and abuse their children. Each time the children experience an episode of violence, they are forced to provide their own encouragement and comfort. Thus they turn away from others. (Harris calls this outlook the criminal position because the history of many psychopathic individuals reveals it.)

The fourth outlook, Harris stresses,is the only conscious one. That is,it is the only one based on faith, thought, and action. People fortunate enough to have had caring, encouraging parents get the necessary start.Then through later childhood and adolescence, they gradually grow out of both the emotional, unthinking responses of the child and the uncritical dependence on earlier teachings.They become thinking, self-directed people –individuals.They have both a sense of their own worth (I'm OK) and faith and trust in others (You're OK).

BECOMING AN INDIVIDUAL

What does individuality mean and to what extent can a person be an individual? In the current popular imagination, individuality means "doing your own thing," responding to life's situations in whatever way seems most natural. The problem with that notion is that it ignores all the shaping forces we have been discussing. It denies the fact that each of us has been channeled and conditioned to a great degree. It pretends there is some inner self untouched by all that we have experienced, all that has happened to us.

The fact is that if you define individuality in the popular way and act on that definition, you'll be acting like Pavlov's famous dog. Pavlov rang a bell whenever he placed food in front of the dog. After a while, he conditioned the dog to drool when he heard the bell, even though no food was presented to him. The dog was doing what came naturally to him. But what came naturally was influenced by his experience. He was controlled by a force outside himself.

Obviously, individuality must be something more than that. It must be the habit of developing your own personal responses to people, issues, and situations, rather than mindlessly endorsing the responses you have been conditioned to make. These guidelines will help you

achieve individuality:

Tree your first reaction to any person, issue, or situation as tentative. No matter how appealing it may be, refuse to embrace it until after you have examined it.

Decide why you reacted as you did. Consider whether you borrowed the reaction from someone else – a parent or friend, perhaps, or a celebrity or fictional character on television. If possible, determine what specific experiences conditioned you to react this way.

Think of other reactions your might have had to the person, issue, or situation.

Ask yourself whether one of the other reactions is more appropriate than your first reaction. And when you answer, resist the influence of your conditioning.

To ensure that you will really be an individual, and not merely claim to be one, apply these guidelines throughout your work in this book, as well as in your everyday life.

APPLICATIONS

Ask yourself the question Who am I? Write down ten answers to this on ten separate slips of paper. Use the first three paragraphs of this chapter to help you to choose your answer. 

Arrange the pieces of paper in priority order in terms of their importance to you. Which self-descriptions are most important to your? Why?

Identify the various positive and negative influences that have shaped you. Be sure to include the particular as well as the general influences and the subtle as well as the obvious. Which of those influences have had the greatest effect on you? Explain the effects as precisely as you can.

(Thomas A. Harris, I'm OK – You're OK: A Practical Guide to Transactional Analysis (New York: Harper & Row, 1969), pp. 37-53)