安娜，我最亲爱的，
叫我从何说起呢！这一切都该源于我那巧遇的缘分，源于我爱上你爸爸的那一刻吧。
那天下午刚过五点，难得的下班早。我一走出工厂大门，大脑就开始遐想那遥不可及的远方，一个远离这绑住我身体的这份工作的地方。那该是个有风的日子。风不断地把我的头发送到脸颊，轻打着我的眼角，我的嘴唇，我的青春。然后我看到了你的爸爸。他从自行车上向我回头。笑着。一瞬即逝。白皙的肌肤映衬着下午的阳光。他穿着深绿色的短裤，金黄色的T恤。洗得柔软的棉布。他一边挥手一边骑下山坡。我的视线紧盯着他的背影，那闪烁着的黄和绿，一直往前，越来越小，消失在风里。
二十七年过去了。二十七年！
生活会以各种方式来戏弄我们。
但我没有被戏弄。我没有被戏弄，亲爱的女儿，因为我们有你，我们的唯一，美丽的你！
这二十七年里，你陪伴了我二十年，再加上我怀你的十月。你在我肚里时，我是个快乐的胖子，我就想让你感到妥妥的安全。你肯定很喜欢呆在那里，因为你等啊等啊，过了两周也不肯出来。到了姥爷生日的那晚，我们全家去了一家川菜馆庆祝。我吃了很多辣椒，你终于受不了了吧，于是半夜你开始拼命地踢腾。
我们去了国际妇幼保健医院。我们努力地想让你生出来。可你那固执的大头就是不肯转个方向。他们只好把我的肚子剖开将你取出。
就这样，你来了，我亲爱的安娜·露琪亚。优雅·光明，如你的名字。你那甜美的声音，甜美的脸蛋，甜美的手指、脚趾，甜美的呼吸，甜美的纯真。
一个由里而外的美人儿，从出生到现在，一直如此。世界立刻变得无比神奇。世界突然有了意义。
你的爸爸，他是怎样的兴奋哟！他给每一个他能想起来的人打电话报喜。世间没有任何快乐可以比得上初为人父的喜悦，尤其是当上你这样的女儿的父亲。当第二天的黎明到来，你的大舅到医院来看你了，还有你的外祖父母，那一对美好的人儿，他们穿着节日的盛装，我从没见过他们如此隆重地登场。我真是爱他们，多么希望那时候，在他们还有很长的人生的时候，我花了更多的时间去爱他们。
我是个残忍的妈妈，亲爱的安娜。我目睹你迫切地抿着嘴，让你的头一寸一寸地靠近我的胸部，想要吸取更多的奶水，而我却不够。我坚持要用母乳喂养，我让你挨饿，让你哭，让你六斤半的体重减到了五斤多一点。我让你变得苍白无力瘦小，而当你的哭声越来越弱时，我还以为你变得越来越乖了。
外婆说是她拯救了你。她终于忍无可忍，让外公去买了婴儿奶粉。打那以后，你抽枝发芽，蓓蕾绽放。你成了我见过的最美最顽强的花。
你满月那天，我们一家飞去瑞士，去见你在那边的亲人。我们抱着小不点的你，小心翼翼地过安检，小心翼翼地登机，直到平安地抵达你爸爸的国土，一路上我们悬着心，生怕无法保护你 - 我们全程最珍贵的宝贝。
我们到达巴塞尔的家时已是晚上了，你本在深睡中。我还记得老房子那一阵阵木头的沉香迎面袭来，我至今怀念。我母亲把你轻轻地交给奶奶抱着。你马上睁开了眼，朝奶奶笑了。外婆说，“真是人亲骨头香啊。”
你四十五天时在教堂接受了洗礼，那晚你第一次睡到天亮，正式让你成为这世上最好的婴儿。你给你弟弟，我们亲爱的艾伦，带出了榜样，让他六年半后也紧跟你的步伐。
你处处都是一个榜样，亲爱的安娜。
今晚，在你将满二十岁生日的前夜，我们相隔重洋，我泪眼婆娑地给你写信。好几次眼睛模糊，我只能停下。我给自己斟上一杯红酒，走到地下室翻出那些过去的影集，我开上音乐，播放着你这些年来弹奏的钢琴曲。
我并不悲伤。我只是想花这点时间静静地想你，想我们，想那些在你这二十年宝贵生命中留下痕迹的人儿。
我做过很多改变人生的决定，你的，我们的人生。我们去往美国无疑是这些决定里影响最为深远的一个。
你人生的第一个记忆是你走下飞机见到Robert的时刻。我让你叫他爹。你很害羞，但还是叫了。你现在还是叫他爹，虽然没有血缘，也不再有我的婚姻维系，却有你们之间的爱和亲情相连。
我们多次迁移了几个大洲，我们多次连根拔起。你都从容地接受。你仰望着我，你为我喝彩，你牵着我的手，你引着我走过。
因为有你，后来又有了艾伦，我们又扎下了根，我们一起。
我写这封信时，你满二十，我即将四十八，我很幸运地意识到，我们最强的根就在我们自己身上，它深藏在我们的内心和灵魂，它源于我们爱的能力。
我没有什么能给你的，除了我对你的关爱，还有我向你完全敞开的内心，包括向你敞开我所有的瑕疵。有时候我们难免会想，假如我在这里或那里做了不同的选择，我们的人生又将如何。我走过的所有的路，有时候我独自一人，有时候我拖拽着你和你弟弟。我犯下的所有的错。我那些失落的恋情。我们承受的一次次分离。我年年选择出差而不是为你庆祝生日。我这单身母亲的暗暗挣扎。
所有这些可能留下的阴影。
我一直害怕去想这些阴影。因为我怕它们会伤害你，会让你留下疤痕，会让你变得胆怯和丧失安全感，会剥夺你勇敢去爱、去全身心投入生活的动力和勇气。
我是如此地幸运！看看你，孩子，你这朝气勃勃的美人儿。现在我意识到，这些所谓的阴影全是宝藏，是我们终生学习的源泉。这些影子，这些宝藏，它们的形成并不是因为我的鲁莽冒失，它们只不过是妈妈青春的果实，是妈妈清纯岁月的缩影，是我大胆追求美好生活的写照。我甚至敢说，是我对爱的追求的结晶。我一直相信爱，孩子，我也想要让你相信爱。
当你今天达到这个重要的里程碑，你这独一无二的人生里的第三个十年即将展开。在这新的十年里，你将完全独立生活，你会遇到真爱 - 也许不是永恒的爱 - 而那也没有关系，你很可能将结出人生的硕果，成立自己的家庭。但是你也可能会尝到真正艰难的日子，可能会受到伤害，可能会遇到失去的苦痛。你只需要知道，我的孩子，你会好的。
你对我，对我们，是如此的重要，我的女儿。
所有你爱的和爱你的人都能在你身上看到他们的影子。而我尤其是这样，不过，你是我儿时梦中的愿景，如今成真。
我看到你正在实现的梦想。我的梦想，只是更大，比我在你这个年龄任何时候想象的都大。那想要留下点什么的梦想，那想要走向世界的梦想，那无论多么不可能也想要让这世界变得更美好的梦想。
我看到你正无比积极地努力。很棒的！你喜欢笑，哪怕摔得很痛；你即使哭了，也总是会以笑声来收干眼泪；你对陌生人笑，你对冷漠的人也笑。孩子，不要为任何人改变你这一点。
我看到你那毫无保留地爱的能力。这是你身上最强大、最有魔力的气质。你洒向你弟弟的无私无尽的爱和关怀 - 他从小就把你当作真正的女神 - 你向他指引了一条宽广的正路，你使我们的艾伦变成了一个无比特殊的孩子。你毫无保留地给予你的爱，爱朋友，爱家人，不管是在中国的，在瑞士的，还是在美国的家人。你的爱心映射四周，已经有很多人受益，而它将在未来产生的更深远的作用，以及那作用的连锁反应能波及的影响，是你今天无法想象的。
安娜，我亲爱的，你是我的欢乐，我的骄傲，我的明灯。你是我最好的朋友。你教我如何强大，如何前进，甚至如何穿衣打扮。
你让我看到了我自己的美丽，你让我相信我所有的付出都值得，你让我真正相信我们的明天将更加美好。
安娜，我亲爱的女儿，现在你知道了，你的人生始于一场爱和缘分，我要它一直是那样，让你的人生永远与爱结缘。永远。无论晴雨，无论起落。只要你心中有爱，一切都会好的。
因为我爱你。过去和永远。我爱你，爱慕你，我绝无仅有的女儿，安娜·露琪亚。
你的妈妈,
湘伟写于：
二零一七年四月二十二日至二十三日，上海
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Anna my dearest,
Where shall I begin? It must be serendipity, and I trace it back all the way to the moment I fell for your father.
It was just after 5 o'clock in the afternoon. We were off work early on that day. As soon as I walked out of the factory gate, my mind started drifting into an unknown future far away from the place that trapped my body with a job. It must have been breezy and warm, because I remember my hair gently beating my face, the corners of my eyes, my lips. And I saw your father! He turned back from his bike. Smiling. In a flash. Fair skin shining in the afternoon sun. He was in dark green shorts and bright yellow T-shirt. Washed soft cotton. He rode downhill and waved bye. My eyes followed, the flickering yellow and green, into the wind, until no longer in sight.
27 years have gone by. 27!
Life has many ways of tricking us.
But I was not tricked, my dear daughter. Because we have you, our one and only, beautiful you!
In these 27 years, you have accompanied me for 20, plus the months I carried you. I was fat and happy when you were in my tummy, and I hoped you were secure. You must have loved it there, for you waited and waited, until you finally kicked my tummy in the night we celebrated Grandpa’s birthday at a Sichuan restaurant. I ate a ton of spices, you couldn’t bear.
We went to International Peace Maternity & Child Health Hospital. We tried together to push you out. But that big stubborn head of yours refused to turn. They had to cut open my body to fetch you.
And there you were! Our dear Anna Lucia. Grace and light! Your sweet sound, sweet face, sweet fingers and toes, sweet breath, and sweet innocence.
A beauty from inside and out. To this day. The world instantly became divine! It suddenly had meaning.
How your papa rejoiced! He called everyone he could think of to share the news. Nothing as special like a first-time dad, and of a daughter like you. As dawn broke the next day, there came Uncle Yue, and your exquisite grandparents, ceremoniously dressed up, the way I had never seen before. Oh, I love them so much, I wish I had time to love them more, when they still had so much life ahead.
I was a cruel mom, my dear Anna. I saw you anxiously smack your lips and inch your little head towards my breasts for more milk which I didn’t have. I let you starve, I let you cry, I made you lose over one pound of weight out of six and half. I let you become thin and pale, and your cry became weaker and weaker and I thought you learnt how to behave.
Grandma said she rescued you by finally sending Grandpa for infant formula. And you have burgeoned and flourished ever since. The most beautiful and tenacious flower I have ever seen.
On the 30th day of your life, we flew together to Switzerland to meet your paternal grandparents and family. You were the most precious little thing to pass airport security, to be placed on that plane, and to land, in the country of your father's home.
When we arrived our home in Basel, I loved the penetrating scent of the wood, of home, you were asleep. My mom put you in the arms of Grandma Gloor. You immediately opened your sweet eyes and smiled at her. My mom said that your little nose smelled the endearing redolence of your bloodline.
On day 45, you were baptized, and slept through the night for the first time, officially making you the best baby in this world. You set the example so well that your brother, our dearest Alan, followed suit six and a half years later.
You have always been exemplary, my dear Anna.
Tonight, on the eve of your 20th birthday, more than seven thousand days and nights since your birth, and oceans apart, I write this letter with tearful eyes. I had to interrupt a few times when my eyes became blurry. I poured myself a glass of wine, went to the basement for old photo albums, and I turned on music, the piano pieces you had played over the years.
I am not sad. I just want to take time to think of you, think of us, think of all the loved ones that were part of your 20-year precious life.
I made decisions that fundamentally shaped your life, our life. Our move to America must have been one of the most profound.
Your first memory in life was when you stepped off the plane, and saw Robert. I asked you to call him Dad. You were bashful, but you did. You still do, bound by love.
We moved continents, multiple times. We uprooted, many times. You took it all in stride. You looked up to me, cheered me on, held my hand, led me through.
Because of you, and later joined by Alan, we rooted again, together.
As I write, as you turn 20, and I am about to turn 48, I am fortunate to realize that our strongest roots reside in ourselves, in our heart and soul, in our ability to love.
I have not much to give you but my affection and love, and my openness about all my imperfections. Sometimes we may wonder how life would have become, had I made different choices here and there. The roads I traveled, sometimes alone, sometimes I dragged you and your brother along. The mistakes I made. The relationships I broke. The partings we went through. The choice to go on a business trip over your birthday, and many times over. The struggles of a single mother.
The shadows of it all!
I was scared to think of these shadows! For they could have hurt you, left you scars, made you timid and insecure, deprived you of the courage of loving and living life to its full!
How I lucked out! Look at you, my enduring beauty. Now I realize that those shadows are treasures, are fountains of life-long learnings. They were not created due to recklessness, but were the results of youth, innocence, and bold pursuits for better lives. I even dare say, they were results of love. I have always believed in love, and I want that for you too.
As you turn to this important milestone, the 3rd decade of your one and only life unfolds. In this new decade, you will become completely independent, you will find true love, maybe not everlasting and it’s okay, and you may bear your own fruit and start your own family. But you may also taste hardships, hurts, and real losses of life. You just need to know, you will be okay.
You mean so much to me, to us all, my girl.
All people you love and love you must see a small piece of themselves in you. And I see that most, except you are the vision that I had aspired to be and came true.
I see you living your dream. My dream, just bigger than I could have ever dreamed when I was your age. The dream to have impact, to reach the world, to make it a better place despite impossibilities.
I see your positivity. Beautiful! You smile even after a worst fall, you cry when you are hurt and you still end your tears with a smile, you smile to strangers and unkindness. Don’t let anyone change that for you.
I see your capacity to love unconditionally. It’s the most powerful and magical thing in you. You showered your little brother with love and care, you have been his goddess since day one, you have guided him in the right path and made him special. You give unconditional love to all, your friends, your Chinese family, Swiss family, and American family. Your love radiates through, it already has left huge impact, and will increasingly leave profound impact with a ripple effect that you can’t imagine today.
Anna my dearest, you are my joy, my pride, and my torch. You are my best friend. You have taught me how to stay strong, how to move on, and how to dress smart, chic, or casual.
You made me believe I am beautiful too, and made me believe it was all worth it and that better days are truly yet to come.
Anna, my dearest daughter, you see, your life began serendipitously with love, and I want that it stays that way. All the way. Rain or shine. Rise or fall. When you have love in your heart, you will be okay.
Because I love you. I always have, and always will. I love and adore you, my one and only girl, Anna Lucia.
Your mom,
Xiangwei
April 22-23, 2017, Shanghai
